I know this is more of a sad story than a review, but Verizon failed so enormously that I just had to get it down in writing.

So my wife and I decided to buy new phones this weekend. We've been Verizon customers for years and years, and our contract is coming up in a few months. Verizon has a program (like all carriers in the US) where you can get a cheaper phone when your contract is about to expire. They use it to trick you into extending your contract. Since I'm fairly happy with Verizon, we went in to get some Blackberries.

First up, Fail #1: We have an unlimited data plan with Verizon. I went to the salesperson and I said "we'll take two Curves, on our existing data plan."

The salesperson said "oh no, you need the Blackberry data plan."

"Why?" I asked.

"All Blackberries require the Blackberry data plan, for email."

"Oh, we're not going to use email, so we can stick to the existing data plan."

"Um, nope. The Blackberries and other smartphones have different data plans."

"You mean, the data on a blackberry costs more than the data to a dumb phone?"

"Yes."

So I walked away and fumed for a little while. I considered asking him if the 1s and 0s were bigger, or if they used 2s and 3s instead, but my wife finally convinced me that every cell carrier would do the same thing. To be clear, getting screwed because I'd get screwed no matter what is just as frustrating. However, if I want a smartphone apparently I have to bend over and accept that "data" is not "data" when it's transferred on a blackberry.

Fail #2: After returning to the jackass at the counter, I asked him about the GPS capabilities of the Curve. "Oh it's really great," he said. "Accurate and quick to respond, plus it's free for the first month!"

Wait a minute, back up there Verizon guy. GPS is free all the time, since GPS is a series of government satellites constantly broadcasting triangulation signals all over the Earth. Apparently Verizon didn't get that memo. GPS is disabled on all Verizon phones unless you pay for the Verizon GPS app, which is $10-$20 a month, and is a piece of shit. I tried it at the store, and it took 45 seconds to show the "current location" which ended up being in the middle of the highway across from the store. Plus, searching for directions from the store to my office crashed the handset.

We decided that paying for a broken phone, then paying extra for Verizon's "extra fancy data" was too much, so we went to T-Mobile. T-Mobile, fortunately, has reasonably priced plans. Plus, they only use one kind of 1s and 0s, so all the "data" plans cost the same amount. More good news: the phones they sell aren't broken! Wee!

Fail #3: I did some research when I got home, and it turns out that on various phones Verizon has either disabled or broken GPS, Bluetooth (various features), Wi-Fi, tethering, data transfer, DUN, and a host of other features. Some of them are just broken on purpose, screw you. Some of them are broken until you pay the ransom for Verizon to unlock a feature on a phone that you use.

So in conclusion, we're waiting for our contract to expire at Verizon then we're switching to a cell carrier that doesn't treat me like a retarded criminal. T-Mobile has more phones, cheaper plans, and similar coverage areas. I'm not going to need my cell phone for hiking in the Andes, so the whole "we have coverage in the boondocks" doesn't affect me. So long Verizon, thanks for turning a purchasing experience into a carrier switch!